"I think you should write."

Jen Fulwiler at the National Catholic Register recently published an excellent blog post addressed to mothers of young children. She exhorts mothers to put aside all excuses and to thrive, not at some time in the distant future when all the kids are grown, but now, even though we are stretched by the demands of our vocation. Just because we are mothers does not mean that we should stop being ourselves and caring for ourselves; our lives do not stop when our children's begin.

Over the past few months I have been struggling with some of the same ideas. I feel a yearning to do something more, something beyond the day-to-day demands of my vocation. Then I feel guilty for not feeling completely fulfilled by faithfully tending to the needs of my family. But, I feel this need to create, to do something with the gifts God has given me. But, how am I to do that without taking away from my duties as wife and mother in some way? I want to be true to my vocation. I want to be true to me. Do those two different desires have to be in conflict?

At a recent mom's group meeting at my parish we had a wonderful guest speaker, Cathy Garcia-Pratz. I've mentioned her before in a blog post after a presentation she made to the same mom's group last year. This time her time with us was dedicated to only Q&A. During that session I asked her how she balanced being a wife and mother of ten boys with also being a published author of multiple books and a sought after speaker. She didn't answer directly, but instead she related her journey.

Cathy's passion had always been for teaching. Then she married and the babies came quickly. The first two came about a year apart and I think she said they had their first 5 boys in about 5 or 6 years. During that time she solely focused on her rapidly growing family. But, she also felt a deep need to do something for herself. Since she loved teaching she volunteered to teach preschool religious education classes at church for about an hour a week. Slowly that role grew and she was in charge of the entire preschool program. The time she was able to carve out to pursue her passion was limited, especially since they continued to add more precious little boys to their family; but, with the help of her husband, she made sure it happened.

She didn't begin writing books until her youngest son was in preschool, writing furiously during the three hours, three days a week that the house was quiet. One book eventually led to another and to more and more speaking opportunities. Today her youngest is now a senior in high school and she plans to dedicate even more time to writing once her nest is empty.

What I got out of her story is that when the kids are little, time for personal pursuits may be limited, but they should not be non-existent. Both Cathy and her family suffered when she didn't have her own creative outlet. It was not easy for her to get away, even for an hour a week, but together they did what they had to to make it happen.

I also realized that we mother's do have to be patient. We may not have all the time we desire to fulfill our longings, but it won't always be that way. A day will come when time is in abundance. But, we shouldn't give up on our dreams until the nest is empty. Start now, but in small ways that actually enrich the family (by energizing mom) rather than detract from it (by selfishly hoarding time or energy for personal pursuits).

I've been talking with Eric (repeatedly over many months) about this need I feel for a project, something of my own that excites me and gives me energy. I debated doing something more with photography or volunteering or pursuing a hobby like knitting or cross-stitching. Then Eric hit the nail on the head and named the longing of my heart that I had been afraid to speak out loud out of fear of failure.

"I think you should write."

To be continued.

Reflections on pregnancy #4

I'm at almost 37 weeks gestation now and Button will be here before we know it. For various reasons, I don't believe my body nor my doctor will allow Button to wait until the due date (January 8th). I'm fully expecting a new baby in our house before the end of the year. So, I wanted to take a few minutes to reflect over this fourth pregnancy that will soon come to an end.

This pregnancy has been very different than any of my others. But, I guess that is the norm. Just like every child is unique, their individual journeys into this world are different. For starters, this pregnancy has gone be very quickly. I might not have agreed with that statement in the early weeks of nausea and exhaustion, but it is true. Life has been very busy since we first found out about Button last May. Most of the busyness could be considered normal for a family of 5, but then we added selling a house, a move and a massive bedbug infestation. Our days and weeks have been very full, especially lately with all the holiday preparations thrown into the mix.

I've also been much more fatigued this pregnancy. The first trimester exhaustion has continued throughout the entire pregnancy. Looking back, I think I really should have talked to my doctor about it because at times the fatigue really has been extreme. Maybe I've been dealing with low iron or some other condition that the doctor could have helped alleviate. Instead, I got frustrated and upset with myself for how unproductive I have been when in reality I just wasn't physically capable of anything more. I need to learn when to say "uncle".

So, with all the busyness and fatigue, I feel like I have done very little preparation for Button. I've hardly been able to anticipate and ponder this new little one. I've put much less time and energy than normal into picking out names (which still isn't done), prepping baby supplies or just imagining what it will be like to hold a newborn once again. If you walked into my house right now, you would see virtually no evidence that a new little one is expected soon. That's so different than when I was expecting my first when practically everything was ready (including diapers and wipes bought and little sleepers hanging in the closet) months before Jonathan was born. I feel like Button has been cheated a little.

Finally, I have found myself much less tolerant this time around. That is, less tolerant of other people's opinions of when the baby will be born, what the gender will be, if I'm carrying high or low or if my belly is extremely large or surprisingly small for my number of weeks gestation. I smile and reply kindly, but sometimes I have to almost physically bite my tongue. The worst is some family members who repeatedly explain to me the exact date that will be most convenient for them for the baby to be born. Personally, I want Button to arrive exactly when God wills it, not a moment sooner or later regardless of the date on the calendar. I'm generally a patient person, but with crazy hormones, excessive fatigue, and feeling like everyone is rushing Button's arrival that I'm not ready for, that patience is being sorely tested.

Please pray for me. Pray that we have a peaceful Christmas, a healthy and safe delivery and a joyful experience of welcoming our newest little one into the world. Please pray that other people will be considerate of me, my needs, and my desires for Button's birth and that I can be calm, relaxed and patient. We have so much to be thankful for this Christmas season and I don't want to lose sight of that.

I finally did it.

I went to the allergist and got tested. I've suffered with allergies my entire life. But, growing up with limited financial resources meant that we didn't go to the doctor merely for running noses, sneezing, itchy eyes, and a stuffed up nose no matter how incessant they were. When I moved from my hometown in West Texas where it is arid to the humidity of East Texas for college, my allergies became much worse. The last twelve years have been tough, especially during pregnancy when my allergies just get ridiculous. So, since we had a baby this year and have already met our rather large deductible, I finally decided to go do something about it.

They tested me with 55 different allergens and it turns out that I am allergic to 27 of them. Is that a lot? It seems like a lot to me! One of the worst offenders was dust mites. Apparently, dust mites cannot survive in a climate with less than 40% humidity, which would explain why my allergies got so much worse when I moved from the almost desert of West Texas to the forests of East Texas.

So, in a couple of weeks I will begin taking allergy shots. It is a long 3 to 4 year process, but I am so thankful that it will finally begin. I know that my entire family will benefit from having a Mommy who is not constantly battling allergy symptoms and the fatigue and brain fog that they induce. There will soon be a new me! I truly feel that this opportunity is the answer to many, many prayers. God is so good!

Overcoming a struggle

Today is a struggle day. At least it started that way. It began as one of those days where nothing is going particularly wrong, just the normal minor disasters, but today I didn't seem to be handling them very well. The postpartum hormone thing has definitely been tough this time around.

On the way to the grocery store to pick up the one item I forgot to get yesterday but is essential for the supper tonight, I kept telling myself over and over again, "Life is not hard. Your life is not hard. You have so many comforts and conveniences available to you. You have a beautiful home and family. Life is not hard." I continued this all through the grocery store and on the way home. But, it really did not seem to be helping any. In fact, the more I told myself these things, the worse I felt and by the time we got home I was ready to cry. After getting both kids and the groceries in the house, I made myself stop and think for a minute. Obviously, this self talk was not helping any. So, I changed tactics.

"OK, you do have a good life, but today is hard. For whatever reason, whether it's in your control or not, today is hard. You're very emotional and feeling overwhelmed. So, what can you do right now to make it better?" So, looking around my house at the piles of laundry that needed to be folded, the toys scattered absolutely everywhere and the stacks of dirty dishes, I decided that getting the sacks of groceries put away would make me feel better. Once that was complete, I decided to put away various things that had been left out on the counter; a box of cereal, the jar of peanut butter, the salt and pepper, some pot holders and various dishes. By then, Gustin was crying and demanding to be fed, but that was alright because I really felt better. I had taken just a couple of moments to complete a few simple tasks and now caring for the screaming baby didn't seem like such a daunting chore. Life didn't feel as hard.

I'm sharing all of this because I think many women probably have similar struggles. I know that I was always taught that if things are tough you suck it up, remind yourself about how blessed you are and about all the poor children that are starving in Africa, etc. and you go and take care of business. While this approach may be appropriate at times, at others it can belittle the feelings I am having and make me feel selfish and weak. The more I am reminded of my faults and weaknesses, inevitably, the less productive and cheerful I become and my day gets worse instead of better.

But this morning I learned something about myself. I cannot push my feelings aside and pretend to ignore them. It's self defeating and self destructive. Nope, I need to openly acknowledge whatever negative feelings I am experiencing and then give myself the time and space to identify what would be best for me to do to try to relieve them. For me, it's amazing what just being able to complete a simple task from start to finish without being interrupted can do for my stress level. The rest of the house may be a complete wreck, but at least one task was completed that can't be undone. I accomplished something that wasn't getting done while I was spending all my energy trying to convince myself that I was not struggling.

And, now I've finished this post. Aaahhh, I'm feeling better and better all the time.

Where the Green Grass Grows

Okay, so I stole my title from Tim McGraw, but, for me, it really communicates what I want this blog to be about. I've been a stay at home mom for more than five years now and recently gave birth to my third child. We live in a suburb of a very large city but I'd much rather be living outside a small town on a few acres where I can sit and rock quietly on the front porch and watch the wildflowers and green grass grow and let my stress just drain away.

But, at least for now, that is not an option. (Even if we did live in the country, I don't think my three small children would let me just chill quietly on the porch anyway. :) ) So, I'm creating this blog to be a spot where I can mentally relax, unwind, unload, and bring some refreshment to my days. I will write about whatever is on my mind or what will relieve the most stress at the moment. I also am in desperate need of a consistent intellectual and creative outlet. I've even recently been considering doing a little consulting work from home, not for the income, but to exercise my brain cells that seem to have atrophied in the last five years (not that I would want them to have been any different or that I regret my decision to stay at home). To continue to be a good wife and mother, though, I NEED to start making some of my needs a priority. I hope that this blog will help fulfill that need because the idea of doing mechanical engineering work at home with my energetic kids and my tired, foggy brain seems like it would cause as many problems as it would solve!