Sickroom reflections

The past few days have been doozies. Vomiting, fevers, little sleep. Poor Jonathan definitely got the worst of it. Not only could he not keep anything down, but he also had a high fever. Normally a dose of Tylenol would have fixed up the whole fever issue, but he couldn't even keep a dose of medicine down. So we had to resort to a more basic approach to nursing him: lukewarm baths and cool compresses. For hours I stayed by his side and bathed his feverish head.

The worst part of the illness, though, was not the fever, but the dehydration. Jonathan was so extremely thirsty, but he just couldn't keep anything down. We were giving him a mere teaspoon of Pedialyte at a time, hoping and praying that he wouldn't immediately vomit it back up, but having little success. He continued to get sick, over and over again.

Jonathan has always been a pretty tough kid, even as a baby. If he ever falls, gets bit by fire ants, or gets a cut or scratch, he rarely cries or complains. But, during this illness he was sobbing, uncontrollably at times, begging to be able to drink and quench his thirst.

"I'm so thirsty, Mommy! Can I please have just one big gulp. Please?!"

It broke my heart when I had to deny him such a basic want. No - not a want - a need. His body needed water, was desperate for water. Water would keep him hydrated, eliminate his thirst, help his body fight this horrible virus and probably help reduce his fever. Yet, I had to deny him. At that moment too much water would have been poison to his body, causing him to get sick once again and lose more water than he would have been able to consume.

"You must be patient, Jonathan. You have to wait and take it slowly. I know it hurts. I know you're thirsty. But, you must wait."

As I sat their caring for my very sick child, I was struck with a realization, one that I have to write about so I can remember it and recall it in times of future need.

How often do we cry out in prayer to God asking him for some basic need, not a "want" or a "like" but a real need, and God seems to say "no"?

"But, Lord," we argue, "I really need this. It's a good thing, basic to my survival, a true need. Why would you deny me? I need it. I need it now. Why must I wait?"

But, God knows all and knows what is truly best for us, what will, in the end, lead us to heaven. He denies us out of love for us. Just as I had to deny Jonathan a simple drink of water, God must, out of love for us, deny us things, even if by nature they are good and necessary. He can see pitfalls in our requests that we cannot. He possesses knowledge and wisdom that we do not. So, he denies us. And, I'm sure it is just as hard for him to say "no" at times to our requests as it was for me to deny Jonathan that refreshing drink of water.

Thankfully, after many hours, Jonathan was able to keep a teaspoon of water down, and then another. Finally, we risked giving him a dose of Tylenol. It stayed down! He was able to drink more, his fever broke and he was finally able to sleep. The next day he continued to improve until he was able to eat and drink again like a normal, healthy 8 year-old boy. I let him gulp all the water he wanted!

Photo credit: Elizabeth

Our times of need are temporary as well, a mere season that will soon pass away. And as soon as the danger is gone, God will provide for us and, most likely, in an abundance that matches His great love for us.

Trying to turn over a new leaf

We've had a very busy summer (as I'm sure I have stated over and over again!) and unfortunately, I have not been dealing with all stress as gracefully as I would have liked. Even though my morning sickness is gone, the fatigue has continued well into this second trimester and I'm afraid that my exhaustion and the endless to-do lists have led to me being rather snappy toward Eric and the kids. I even feel that I was grumpy and distant while my parents were visiting a couple of weeks ago and I really regret that.

The thing is, I know things are going to get even crazier, especially after Button arrives. I have got to find something to help me deal with all the stress now before things get worse and my family decides to disown me! I've been thinking and praying about it for the past couple of weeks and in mass on Sunday a solution finally presented itself (or the Holy Spirit knocked me upside the head, however you want to look at it :)).

So, this Saturday morning and every Saturday after that (God willing) I'm going to leave first thing in the morning and head to church for some quiet time with the Lord. I know it is not that ground breaking of an idea -- to go to adoration every once in a while -- but I think it is exactly what I need. In college, even though I was very busy then as well, I was able to stop in at church at talk with Jesus for a few minutes at least daily. Because of where I parked and where my classes were, I would walk right by the church several times everyday and rarely walked by without at least stopping in to say hello. How I miss that easy access to the Blessed Sacrament! But, after entering married life and then adding one, two and three babies into the mix, those trips to adoration have become rare.

I wanted to be sure to post about this decision because I need the accountability. I think this is important and is God's will for me and I don't want little things (being tired or busy or not in the mood for prayer) to distract me from following through. So, we'll see how this Saturday goes and how the graces flow into the rest of my week. I sure do need those graces because I've already proved that I can't do it on my own!

Struggling along to live my vocation as it is meant to be,

A question of faith?

We have some friends who are going through a very hard time right now. They are the most amazing family I know, so full of faith, so generous and overflowing with Christ's love. But, they also are carrying more crosses at the moment than it seems possible to bear. Both the father and youngest daughter are dealing with very serious health issues at this time, and these are just their newest burdens. Some members of our parish are currently coordinating meals, house cleaning, etc., and, of course, prayer for this family in an effort to try to help lighten their load. They sent an email out asking for help and most especially for prayers for this family so they will be blessed with the graces they need to get through this hard time. Another woman in our parish replied to everyone and said that we should do even more. She said that we should "take the leap of faith and pray for total healing". She also said that we should "pray for healing and restoration with confidence that God wants that for them more than we do."

The reason that I am relaying this story to you is because it has reminded me of a question that I have been struggling with for a long time. It is a question of faith and God's will. I don't know what God's will is for this family. I know that He already has done amazing works through them and that their example will probably lead many more souls to Christ in the future.

But, does He desire for them to be physically healed or is He allowing these struggles because they will help the family bear even more fruit in the future? I don't know.

So, in an attempt to be a good faithful Catholic, I am struggling as to what my prayers for them should entail. Do I pray for total healing and trust that God will answer that prayer? Is doing any less showing a lack of faith? Or does it demonstrate more faith in God to let go of trying to control the situation and just pray that God's will be done, regardless of what the outcome might be?

All my life I have watched my father struggle with a myriad of health problems. I prayed for years that he would be healed and it has yet to happen. A couple of months ago I realized that, unintentionally, my prayers had changed over the years from requests for healing to just asking for God to give Dad the strength to joyfully bear his cross. I don't know if this means that I gave up on the hope of healing or if I have just accepted that it seems to be God's will that Dad carries this heavy burden for the good of souls. I do believe in the redemptive power of suffering, but I also believe in miracles.

I would welcome any wisdom or guidance that any of you could share. Do I keep faith in a miracle happening or should I have faith in God's will and just pray that it be done even if it requires great suffering? These are questions that I have been unable to answer on my own. Any thoughts?

The rest of the story

I've written about the discernment process we went through that ended in determining that we were not meant to homeschool in this post. So, continuing the story, where were we going to send Jonathan to school?

I really wanted to send him to Catholic school. I went to Catholic school myself in elementary school and only have fond memories of it. In sixth grade I had to switch to public school because of serious health and financial problems in my family. This change was very traumatic for me. The school I went to was very rough, many of the kids there had lost their innocence years earlier, and there were times when I actually was fearful of the other kids in my class. I saw fights and gang activity. Kids had, or at least acted like they had, knowledge of sexual behavior while most of the time I had no clue what they were even talking about. Needless to say, this was very different from my Catholic school experience. And, even though the public schools in our area are very good, I was very apprehensive about sending Jonathan there.

Eric, on the other hand, had a very positive public school experience. He grew up in a small town, his Mom knew all his teachers personally as well as most of the parents of his classmates, and the school was small. So, he didn't have any objections to public school and was indifferent to the idea of private school.

But, even if I talked Eric into private school, paying for it was another issue indeed. I just couldn't make the numbers work no matter how much I willed them to, especially with a baby on the way and the need to replace my ten year old vehicle that had 140,000 miles on it. Private school seemed impossible but I just couldn't come to terms with the idea. I prayed over and over again that if God wanted us to send our son to public school that he would give me some peace about the decision. That peace never came.

One day at church, Eric happened on a flyer that described an opportunity to learn about the kindergarten program at a local Catholic school. For my sake, Eric agreed to at least go with me and learn a little more about the school. Eric and I sat through the meeting with the teachers, asked several questions and though I was pleased with the answers we got, I didn't know what Eric was thinking. After the meeting we stopped in the hallway to talk. What Eric told me shocked me.

"Jonathan is going to this school, " he said matter of factly and with the authority of the head of our household. "No matter what we have to do, no matter what sacrifices we have to make, we are going to make it happen. This place is home, it is where we belong."

I started to cry.

Even though we had no clue how we were going to make this work, I now felt so much peace. God had finally granted me the peace about our decision that I had been praying for. This school was God's will for us. We turned in our application.

Within weeks the miracles began to happen. Eric received a large and very unexpected (though totally deserved!) bonus at work. Then, my parents decided that they wanted to replace my Mom's minivan so they offered to sell it to us. The price they asked happened to be almost exactly what we had saved up for a new vehicle (well below what the van was actually worth). We could not have afforded a new vehicle any other way. And, to top it all off, four days after Augustine was born, Eric was offered an incredible promotion at work. He had thought that such an opportunity would be years down the road.

So, God took care of everything. Everything. He is so good. I am so truly, humbly thankful.

Our decision on homeschooling

This topic is something that I've thought and prayed about so much over the last couple of years. I very seriously considered homeschooling. In many ways it seems like a natural fit for me. I've always been a firm believer that I should be the primary caretaker, nuturer, and molder of my children's character. So, when I quit working to stay at home five years ago, I did just that. My kids have never gone to Mother's Day Out, preschool, etc. I wanted to be the primary (read that as only) influence during those precious, early years. I wanted to instill my values and standards for acceptable behavior in my children, not those of a stranger.

So, for the last five years I have spent my days coloring, painting, playing, exploring nature, singing and dancing with and teaching my children. Everything has been very informal and unstructured, but I think it has worked well for Jonathan and he is well prepared for kindergarten. So, should I continue being his primary educator into his more formal schooling years? That was a tough one. To be honest, the thought terrified me. I was so afraid of messing up. What if I didn't teach him how to read the right way and I messed him up for life?? The thought of researching curriculm was daunting and I was intimidated by the organization that homeschooling would require. Could I really do it when as it is I can't even keep up with the laundry?

All of these thoughts were going through my head over the past year when I was pregnant with Augustine. It was a very tough pregnancy. I was extremely ill (even with medication) for the first five months of pregnancy. Wonderful friends from church brought us meals every other day for months. Even after the nausea, vomiting, and dry heaving finally subsided, I was very weak and it took at least another month to regain my strength and energy (at least as much energy as a woman in her last trimester can expect). How could I homeschool in such a condition? (How do you do it, Lillian? I know you get very sick when pregnant as well.) We want to have more children (God willing) and unfortunately I've been getting sicker with each pregnancy rather than the other way around. Such incapacitation during pregancy would force us to abandon homeschooling and I want more stability in my children's education than that.

But, I know all of these objections could be overcome if I really felt that God was calling me to homeschool. He can make even the most impossible things happen if it is His will. But, after much reflection, I don't believe that He is calling me to homeschool. I have not be blessed with the drive and passion that would be necessary to overcome all these difficulties. While I respect and admire homeschoolers very much, I lack the passion for it that I see in the homeschooling mothers I know. That passion helps them push through all the hard work, frustrations, and exhaustion that comes with homeschooling.

So, after finally determining that I was not called to homeschool, what was God calling us to do with Jonathan's education? Well, the answer was, for me, very clearly to send him to Catholic school. I felt an unextiguishable passion for Catholic school. But, the road to it was littered with just as many obstacles and difficulties as that for homeschooling. But, God made it happen. I'll share that wonderful story (that I still can't believe happened) soon.

God bless and good night.