I've been wanting to write a post about my postpartum struggles for quite a long time now, but I always chicken out. Once I sit down at the computer with time to write, I start getting scared and end up wasting my time just clicking mindlessly around the internet.
I always appreciate reading posts by women who honestly talk about their struggles. These women sharing their hearts and exposing their weaknesses are such an inspiration! They let me know that I am not alone. I am not weak. I am not inadequate. I've always wanted to do the same for other women on my blog.
But something always holds me back.
Part of it is that I don't want to post something that is nothing more than a gripe session; nor do I want my blog to be full of negativity. I want to celebrate the great blessings God has given me! But, the fact is, growth only happens when we struggle, not when we're sailing along blissfully and contentedly. And, the postpartum periods of my last two pregnancies have been times of intense struggle with so much of my energy being consumed by just keeping my head above water, that I don't know if I'm really growing any in the process.
I've never felt so out of control in my life. I'm so tired of feeling angry, frustrated and overwhelmed almost all the time. I'm not a happy mother to my children. I'm not a pleasant wife to my husband. There is so. much. guilt.
Ugh! This is so hard to write! My eyes are filling with tears (again!) as I type this. It hurts.
I pray that God will make some good come of all this bad. I pray that my children will forget the angry mommy and will only retain the happy memories. I pray that my husband will continue to have patience with me. I pray for balance. I pray for the ability to distinguish between wants and needs. I pray for wisdom and perspective.
I continue to hope and trust in the Lord. At least this depression has not deprived me of that.
And, I continue to thank God for my many blessings and for the deep down Joy that has not abandoned me despite all the pain.
I am slowly getting my smile back; and, my laugh has surprised me a time of two with an unexpected appearance. Things will get better. They are getting better. This is just a season and it, too, shall pass.